Ah, so maybe ive actually learned something today. I had a dream last night that was definitely i believe, trying to tell me something. I think it was trying to say that im trying to hard to make it to the other side(where i wanna be), and im trying to do it so independently, but yet, i need people's help. I need their support, i cant do it on my own. I want to try so hard to get there by myself, but its just not possible, and even though i feel bad about asking for someone's help, sometimes its got to be done to make it to where you want to be. Thats how i perceived it. It makes perfect sense to me, and it made me feel a little better. That was the start of the day. As the day went on, i started to get hard on myself again. Mirrors are horror to me. I absolutely didnt wish they exsisted. But after my battle of obsessing in the mirror and picking out all of my flaws, i was directed to the Tyra Show. Ah, one of my top role models. She had a lady on there who had the biggest legs in the world. Her legs just weighed 210 pounds. She was only 34, and was walking on cruch type things, and was being so independent. She had a special made car so she could drive, and a special made wheelchair to get around in. They showed her on her way to the Tyra show, and she did things all alone. She got out of her car, got her wheel chair out, put it together(which all took about an hour), sat in it, got on a plane, and came overseas to be on the Tyra show. She simply, amazed me. Life could be worse. Yeah, there may be some things that i dont like about my body, or myself, but there are people like that out in the world who are just born that way, and cant do anything about it. They still get up everyday and life their life to the fullest that they can. If they can do it, i sure as heck can. I need to stop being so hard on myself. I tell myself that all the time, but i learn a little more each day, and i wise up a little more each day. I think im coming to a halfway point right about now, where im going to get better about this. And im not going to need medications to settle me down, or keep me from my ocd. I am going to get thru it on my own. Im going to be strong, im going to find the strength inside of me. Because that lady, with everything that was going on with her, is still strong. And that right there, is amazing. I am ready to put down the guns ive had pointed at myself for so long, and move on with my life being a much stronger person. Im ready.

Gr. all i got to say about that one.

Feeling pretty helpless today. Feels like i cant really get it right. Im coming off of my anti depressants completely and in some ways i know its good, but im feeling why i shouldn't right about now. Im just not good enough. I hate when your really happy with yourself, and people wanna bring you down so much that you change it, not for yourself, but for them, so they will pretty much just shut up. And then wow look at that, your no longer happy with yourself but everyone around you is no longer giving you crap anymore. Im not sure which one i would rather take, but im starting to think i should have just let people say their crap to me, and let myself be happy. Its like too far gone now, and it will take forever to get back to that place, and i feel lazy. I feel like i dont have the energy to get back there. Or well, atleast thats what ive been telling myself. But now, i think im back to the point where im going to try, and i dont give a flying SHIT what anyone says, excuse my language, but im going to BE ME. and im going to be HAPPY WITH ME. Its my body, you dont have to be happy with it, I DO. im the one who has to look in the mirror everyday at it, im the one who sees me naked, im the one who deals with it EVERY freakin second of every min of every HOUR. So i no longer want to hear WHAT YOU THINK. i simply dont care. BECAUSE i will be happy with myself. And thats exactly what im going to say to every person who discourages me or stands in my way.. Thankyou for reading, and thats all.

Time to start of the day. Taking one androcept, eating some oats with banana, and having a protein shake.. then a water with creatine in about 2 hrs.. then its time for some working out, and another protein shake. Let you know how it goes :)

Just another day..

Well, today started off simple. But its not really what happened during the day that i would like to write about. I'd more so like to write about my feelings, emotions, and thoughts i had throughout the day more than anything else. I started happy, i have everything i could ever ask for, but somehow things arent ever enough for me. Im never happy enough, never skinny enough, never muscular enough, yes, im a girl and im saying that. Never just okay with myself. If its not one thing its the other. And coming off of my anti depressants makes it a tad bit harder. Maybe im complaining, but who cares? Thats what i will be using this thing for, i sure as heck dont complain to anyone else, gotta get it out somehow, right?? I barely ate anything today, it was tons of protein shakes, and supplements, and more protein shakes, and creatine, and water, and again, more protein shakes. I did my workout, which is INSANITY(its a really tough video workout), it lasted around an hour, and since then, ive been pretty worn out. My body feels tired, just physically tired, maybe emotionally tired too. Without the antidepressants, im starting to feel more. I dont know which one is better. To feel more, or feel nothing at all. I always said i rather hurt than feel nothing at all, but caring too much can definitely but a damper on your spirits. Or, atleast it can mine. Every little thing bothers me, i think about things constantly over and over again in my head, its like a never ending cycle, and i cry, god, do i cry. About anything, really. At any point in time, i can just break a cry out. Then there are panic attacks, and hot flashes, and more meds, and less sleep. But when im on the antidepressant, im in another world. Like im not even living here. Im spaced out, i dont care about anything, and i loose focus of whats important in life. I figured there had to be an in between, but no, not really. There isnt one. I tried that approach as well. Maybe im loosing my own game on this one. But, hey, you got to feel pain to feel happiness. Or atleast thats how it works for me.